


Darling stay/It's (not) better this way

by warlock_bane



Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Alec Lightwood Has Self-Worth Issues, Alec Lightwood Needs A Hug, M/M, Magnus Bane Loves Alec Lightwood, Malec, No Major Character Death, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Sad Alec Lightwood, Self-Hatred, Suicide Attempt, different take on the fire escape scene after Jocelyn's death
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-05
Updated: 2020-05-05
Packaged: 2021-03-03 03:13:51
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 738
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24027958
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/warlock_bane/pseuds/warlock_bane
Summary: Takes place after Jocelyn's funeral.Alec's killed plenty in his life, but his time it might just break him.
Relationships: Clary Fray/Alec Lightwood (mentioned), Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood
Comments: 5
Kudos: 47





	Darling stay/It's (not) better this way

None of it fucking mattered.

The conveyor belt of New York churned mundanes to an fro as though nothing had changed. All those flushed faces and furrowed brows seemed so much smaller from up where he was. Of course, he couldn't see their faces, but you could only spend so much time patrolling these streets before realising that everyone here is tired. Tired and angry and always in a rush. All so invested in their little screens - in maintaining their perfect images. All the same.

The icy edges of the railing were biting into the skin just below his hips. He supposed that it was there for safety purposes, although it didn’t do much against his tall frame. Bits of paint were pealing from it, revealing the watermarked and rusted surface bare. He couldn’t help but relate to it – that raw feeling after letting yourself be exposed, leaving yourself vulnerable.

Flakes of the black paint caught as he ran his finger along the top. He stared as they flew over the side of the barrier, floating down to the street below. The resemblance to the image of ichor splattered snow entertained him as he dwindled listlessly.

He was a coward for being here – he knew it. Shasowhunters never run, and he had fled. He'd been trying to catch his breath since he’d come-to with his fist drenched in blood, and if he’d stayed to look at Clary another second he felt he may well have exploded.

He was a murderer.

He fucking murdered Clary’s mother – and how the hell had she not already struck him down and finished him off like he deserved?

_Because she is better than you ever will be._

He wished she wasn't though – and wasn’t that just proof of what a disgusting person he was.

_Well done Alec, not only are you a fucking weak, but you also failed on basic morals._

But there was no other way for him to try and make this up to her. Closure was the one thing he had to offer and she hadn’t taken it.

The solution was simple really: he couldn’t fix this. Of course, you can't make up for taking away the one true piece of family a person has.

He let a demon into his mind, and then –

- _let himself work his fingers into Jocelyn’s chest – yes that’s right that’s the name of the woman you murdered – deeper and deeper as bones snapped in a way that made him_ **_grin_ ** _as he pushed through the squelching heat and clenched the large slippery weight beating furiously in his fist and leaned in to hear her screams better and smell her tears whilst they were fresh and then he tore her heart from her except his grip slipped and his hand came back with a fistful of red chunks he showed to her shocked face of grief and betrayal-_

\- gripping the rails for support, Alec battled to work through his headrush as he felt like he was gonna be sick. And then he was.

_Fucking disgusting._

Oh god, how was he going to explain this to Magnus? By the Angel, how was he going to be able to _look_ at Magnus?

Magnus.

A kind of hiccupping sob burst from him – that wonderful, beautiful man was going to take one look at him and realise what a useless piece of shit had stumbled into his life, and then he was going to kick him off of his property and tell him to never go near him again.

_Good. Nobody deserves to have a soul as hideous as yours in their life. Magnus always deserved better than you anyway. Look, all you’ve brought him his trouble._

_Good job Lightwood,_ He thought. He’d ruined his one chance to have something just for him, not an Institute for his parents’ pride, not his life of hunting for the mundanes and the clave, but just Magnus for him and him for Magnus. And all his moping about it counted for nought because, really, if he hadn’t deserved Magnus before, he certainly didn’t now.

_Yeah you’re right you don’t deserve him or Jace or Izzy of your life yeah YOU DON’T DESERVE TO FUCKING LIVE YOU WEAK USELESS-_

Oh, who was he kidding?

Of course, it mattered. It mattered so fucking much.

It was him that was worthless. The burden. The thick and empty blundering fool.

He was the problem.

“Alexander?”

…

Shit.

**Author's Note:**

> oof i mean... tell me if it's alright? Writing takes a long time and editing takes even longer.  
> thanks for reading :)


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